I’d got into www.crossfit.com for a couple of years or so before covid put a stop to all that gym-thing but I never did a competition. This was in part because I’d looked at the weights they were using and just laughed. In the crossfit gym I could out-work anyone and my burpee-run-wall ball combinations were whispered of in hushed tones by the tattooed 20-somethings but my strength and power with a barbell was pretty woeful. All things are relative of course, and while I did improve lots I was still way down on what would be needed to even be respectable in the competitive arena.
Then Child Of Crossfit www.hyrox.com was birthed post-covid and my interest was tweaked again at this new combination that seemed to be half crossfit-derivatives and half running. As someone who has always done some weight training ever since first picking up a dumbbell at lunchtime gym aged 14 and three spotty quarters in secondary school, Hyrox seemed to have my name all over it. Just clearly not enough to move it from the Nice To Do box to the Must Do box because I never actually followed through.
Then Child Of Hyrox – Third Cousin Twice Removed Crossfit – www.deadlydozen.co.uk was launched this year by some enterprising chappie on these shores who’d clearly looked at Hyrox and thought it could be made even more accessible to more ordinary mortals.
‘I’m off to do this new thing in Macclesfield’ said our neighbour a former semi-pro boxer now personal trainer and gym owner. ‘We’re doing the pairs race as prep for Hyrox…’
Well that just sounded like a gauntlet being thrown down to me so 3 weeks before the race I went online and had a look.
And entered.
Mrs Mouncey rolled her eyes: ‘You’ve entered a what? But why?’
‘Well obviously I want to beat our neighbour,’ I said.
This time the eyes rolled and closed.
‘But he’s 30 years younger than you – and doing it as a pair!’
I grinned: ‘I know.’
Eyes now regarding me wearily as she knows the only way of this one is to roll with it.
One final throw: ‘He reckons around 45mins: Do you have any idea how long it’ll take you?’
‘Nope – but I’m gonna find out in the morning.’
6am the following day has me doing my own bastard-child version out of the garage and scaring the early dog walkers as I gurn my way to 45 seconds out and 47 seconds back, (it’s up hill). I don’t do full sets and loading – I’m really not the daft and I don’t have all the kit anyway – but I do hold to the designated 12 runs just to see what the lifting-jumping-squatting-pressing-lunging-snatching-carrying-crawling feels like after 90 seconds of honest running.
Once it’s all over I do some extrapolating, try very hard to be objective and submit my report:
‘55mins.’
Mrs Mouncey again does the eyebrow thing.
‘Yeah I know,’ I sigh –‘ I’ve got a bit to find and he’s got to fall apart for it to be remotely close.’
A sobering reminder of something I know already is how relatively under-powered I am on anything overhead simply ‘cos I don’t do much at all. I’ve started to correct that in the last few months but it does mean that the challenge at the event will be managing the loading of these exercises without falling apart / doing myself a mischief. My practice weights for some of the exercises are only 50% of the weight of the event ones which means some smart thinking will be required to come up with a reps-sets combination that works for me.
One ebay spend and 3 days later I’m looking at 15kg dumbbells and a reality check.
I spend two of the remaining three weeks figuring how to minimise my weaknesses after I lose a week doing myself a mischief that requires the hands of a skilled professional to fix. Ironically it’s nothing to do with my upper body complaining – which I could understand – but a small bit of my lower body. It seems that a summer spent propelling me up and down the fells at maximum effort and then being asked to do silly sprinty-weighy stuff is an ask too much for my big toe push-off muscles: They throw a hissy fit big enough to have the calf come out in sympathy too.
By the time the race rolls around I have two exercises where I know I’ll leak time and it’ll just be about ‘Management Of Load’ i.e. efficient body mechanics and smart set-reps combos playing to my strengths.
Race day brings overcast skies and soggy ground. Contrary so-and-so that I am I’d decided to stand out by not fitting in: I haven’t brought my latest (black) skimpy gym-wear, copious tattoos or £200.00 carbon-plated straight out the box trainers. I’m decked out in full on-brand orange with my studded fell shoes on my feet.
I’d figured October+ North England = Mud on the infield where we’ll be throwing the weights and ourselves around – and I’m not wrong. While it’s wonderful to see men and women of all shapes, sizes and speeds taking part, at only 30mins in and less than 50 people on the course – waves of 6-10 set off every 6mins – the grass infield is churning up nicely and people are starting to move in mysterious ways.
And my race? Went like this:
Ready-Go! Run 400m: Get on with it, no-one comes passed and 90sec later I’m committed.
Kettle Bell Farmers Walk 240m / 2 x 24kg is one of my good ones and first test of traction: Slow in the turns, smaller strides and getcha hips forward! I’m blowing like a steam train at the end but I’ve stayed on my feet and ahead in my wave.
Run 400m: Wobbling to start with but I know this will ease quickly so… be patient – then get on with it!
KB Deadlift x 60 32kg: I’d reckoned this one would be in one hit but I take a short pause at x 40 before finishing off. My judge makes a valiant but misguided attempt to engage me in conversation. WTF?! I’m blowing out my arse and gurning for Britain – what are your eyes telling you, man?!
Run 400m: Yep – this wobble’s gonna be a thing and now we’re getting a headwind on the back straight too…
Dumbbell Lunge 60m 2 x 12.5kg: I’m still on my good ‘uns with this but care with footwork through the mire ups the mental ask considerably. Studs are a godsend and I see many folks are really struggling.
Run 400m: Bit of a pattern now as wobble out – pick up – finish strong and if anyone does come past in those first 200m – 3 in total – tuck in and draft.
DB Single Arm Snatch x 60 15kg and the first one that my risk assessment flagged as OUCH. I’d reckoned 10 sets of 6 reps with 6 breaths recovery would get me there eventually and I’m right.
And run.
Burpee Broad Jump 60m: A traveling burpee made more difficult by what is now in effect a ploughed field. It’s a fiendish exercise even on level ground and this just breaks rhythm horribly. It is however one of my strengths so I get my head down and my arse in the air and get on with what feel like a slow-mo version of what I’ve practiced.
And run.
KB Goblet Squat x 60 16kg: I figured steady-straight to 60 reps but I have to pause at 40 otherwise it’ll get silly and my glutes will give me the finger after some serious hip thrusting action.
And run.
Weight Plate Front Carry 240m 25kg: Barbell plate chest hug through the sticky goo and round the turns at 30m like a granny. Another one I’m OK with and this time I do manage the planned ‘in-one-go’ version.
And run.
DB Push Press x 60 2 x 12.5kg: My second screaming RED risk assessment and another time drain. Many of the folks just stand there and press using arms-shoulders only – which is stuff of wet dreams for me.
My version is a full body use-every-damn-mechanical-lever-possible to have a hope in hells chance of keeping any sort of rhythm over my choice 10 sets of 6 reps with 6 big steam-train breaths recovery. It feels like an age to get to 7 sets then the last 3 require everything from the big toe upwards. And I get there.
And run – kinda.
Bear Crawl 120m: Redemption of a sort as it’s another good ‘un for me. I’d thought I should be able to do this in one hit but it turns out I really do need to stand every 30m turn and be a steam train.
And run.
Weight Plate Clean & Press x 60 15kg: Two hands on the plate taking it from the deck to overhead. I’d found I was actually OK with this as it’s another overhead exercise where full-body thrusting makes a big difference. And we’ve established I can thrust. Again, I have an un-scheduled break with full steam train at 40 reps before finishing it off and wobbling out.
And run.
WP Overhead Carry 180m 15kg: Carrying the plate in both hands above head on level ground had felt reasonably OK in practice given I could scuttle along briskly and get it over quite quickly. The quagmire put paid to the scuttling and someone was clearly adding weight to the weight while I was in motion as to my horror I couldn’t stop the plate sinking down to my head. At the first 30m turn I drop the plate with a splat realising this will have to be a 30m by 30m effort. ‘It’s easier if you lock your arms’ my judge says helpfully. ‘I bloody know that,’ I think ‘the problem is I bloody can’t!’
Sinking weight, wobbly body and steam train stop is the pattern as I get slower and slower thinking all sorts of uncharitable thoughts as the cumulative effect of all the previous stuff catches up with me. This time it’s a walk and a wobble out to the track and a serious talking to in order to break into a shuffle.
And (eventually) the last run.
DB Devil Press x 20 2 x 10kg: Think burpee holding a DB in each hand with the final jump up accompanied with an overhead swing. Another one that’s way easier on level ground. I know I can grind these out and had thought 10-5-5 but I hit 5 and everything is starting to spin. More standing steam train that now sounds like the boiler’s about to blow before the next 5 that has me almost falling flat. A 10-count and a serious f***in’ talking to. Another 5 almost in slo-mo and more (the final?) steam train-in-distress. Final 5 fuelled on rage at the ingnominity of it all and then a 10yard stumble across the line. I realise that I really have to lie down before I fall down in a needlessly dramatic fashion.
‘Time?’ I croak.
‘58’ comes the reply.
Pause to gulp a breath:‘Bastard.’
